I’ve been preping my mind the last couple of days for the encounters and pokings and pickings I KNOW that I am going to get from my father and grandfather. I don’t see my fathers side relatives much any more since the seperation, which I’m somewhat ashamed to say that I’m somewhat glad for. For some odd reason when coming back from my grandparents house I sometimes end up feeling crappy and worthless unless I prep my mind for the questions and accusations that will be thrown my way. See, my grandpa sees himself as a financial success of some sort and anyone who hasn’t become such deserves to hear what he thinks you’ve done wrong and what he thinks you should do to fix it. Since departing my mom, my dad has taken residance and advice from my grandpa putting his head down and just trucking along. It seems to have done him okay except that he’s picked up my grandpa’s nosey disposiontion. This usually ends up making him look like a retard and I come out flustered that I can’t explain myself to him. So I end up feeling as though my father and grandfather think me a failure.
This time around I’m deturmined not to let it get to me and to keep on doing what I know I need to do. I’ve spent to long trying this and that, going off of what I think other people want me to do, or what other people think would be good for me. I’ve done it over and over. Taking the majors I did at OIT. Trying to push myself through college after OIT left me hopeless and lonely because mom and everyone else says that a college education is the way to go. I’ve done it with a number of other things, but my college life is the biggie.
I know that it’s all my doing. I made the choices. I signed up for the classes. I said yes to this or that. I don’t blame anyone but myself for leading me on that wild goose chase. I have no clue what I should have done differently. Maybe I just didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I’m just a big baby who doesn’t like doing what I don’t want to do for longer than a month. Whatever. All I know is that I have a system and a philosophy/spirituality that IS working for me now.
I’m babbling… sorry… lol